You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
