In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
