Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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