Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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