Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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