I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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