Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
