I wanna bring you to show and tell
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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