fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
