Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
