i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Randomize