Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the day after is always just damage control
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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