My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
