Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
