I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize