Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
