On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
