I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
