we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
