this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
