I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
