I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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