Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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