Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
