I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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