when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
