Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
