Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
