I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
