I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize