It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
