the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
