dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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