She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
