fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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