he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
