my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
