Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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