just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
