4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
