piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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