Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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