Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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