U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
