Your dad touched me again.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize