I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
