Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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