Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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