my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
