Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
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