i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
