Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
