WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just pee around me
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Couch. On fire.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
