do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
