If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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