Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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