So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
