Why does Corona taste like a burp?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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