There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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