my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
