I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
false alarm, still single
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize