So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
