i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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