ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Boobs are out for the taking
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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