My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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