maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
