She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
