I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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